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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26394193">Too Alive To Die But Too Dead To Live</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dieFabuliererin/pseuds/dieFabuliererin'>dieFabuliererin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crying, Date Rape Drug/Roofies, Drug-Induced Sex, Drugged Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Flashbacks, Forks Washington, Hospitals, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Medical, Medical Procedures, Non-Consensual Drug Use, POV Third Person, Parent Esme Cullen, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Carlisle Cullen, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Sad Ending, Underage Drinking, Underage Rape/Non-con, Victim Blaming</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:13:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,386</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26394193</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dieFabuliererin/pseuds/dieFabuliererin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A patient during a night call shift reminds Carlisle all too much of a beautiful girl he found lying in a gutter in Rochester, New York, in 1933.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>60</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Too Alive To Die But Too Dead To Live</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Carlisle ran his fingers through his hair, filling out the forms for his last patient’s discharge. He doesn’t mind the call shift at night. He can stay at home, with his family, and rush into hospital whenever he needs to without worrying about driving whilst tired.</p><p>It’s close to two in the morning, so there shouldn’t be too many more patients for him to deal with until the next shift starts. It’s usually busiest before midnight.</p><p>Standing from his chair, Carlisle leaves his office and goes to the lounge. It’s raining outside- it’s always raining in Forks- but Emmett is manning the fire which gives the room a cosy warmth.</p><p>He scans the room, admiring how everyone has their place. Esme’s snuggled up in an armchair, her sketchbook resting on her knees. She glances up when he enters the room, gives him a loving smile which he gladly returns.</p><p>Alice and Jasper are engrossed in a game of chess, neither looking up from their game. Edward’s spending the night at Bella’s house, and Rosalie is sat on the sofa, twirling a lock of golden hair between her fingers whilst she flicks through a magazine.</p><p>Once he’s done tending to the fire, Emmett takes a seat beside his wife and throws an arm around her shoulders casually. Rose leans against him, her eyes not leaving the pictures of glamorous models who could only <em>dream</em> of being as beautiful as her.</p><p>Carlisle can’t help but smile. After everything Rosalie went through in her human life, everyone was on edge when she and Emmett started showing an interest in each other. Carlisle’s glad that the beautiful girl found happiness in the man she saved from death.</p><p>“No more calls, love?” Esme asks, her voice like music.</p><p>Carlisle turns his attention to his wife, “No, but I have another six hours to go.”</p><p>She nods, looking back at her sketchbook. Carlisle moves to stand behind her, taking her shoulders and looking at her art. “It’s beautiful,” he breathes, leaning down to kiss her temple whilst admiring the sketch, “just like you.”</p><p>Esme smiles, “Rapeseed fields in May.”</p><p>“We’ll go back,” he promises, standing again, “next year.”</p><p>“To France?” Rosalie asks, looking up from her magazine at last. “You can’t go next year; Emmett and I are going.”</p><p>He feels Esme chuckle beneath his hands, and Carlisle gives his adopted daughter an amused smile. “France is a big country, sweetheart.”</p><p>She scowls at him, prompting Emmett to nudge her shoulder, “It’s okay, babe. They’ll go in Spring, and we’ll go in summer.”</p><p>Rosalie looks over her shoulder into her husband’s eyes, a lovestruck expression marking her face. Emmett strokes her cheek with one finger, “My gorgeous girl.”</p><p>There’s a clatter behind them.</p><p>Carlisle turns to see the white queen rolling on the hardwood floor, fallen straight from Alice’s fingertips. Her eyes are wide, staring into nothing. Her hands are shaking.</p><p>“Alice,” Jasper reaches across the board to take her hand, holding it steady in an attempt to ground her, “Alice, what is it?”</p><p>Her mouth opens, but no sound escapes. Carlisle moves to her side in a flash, wishes Edward was here to make this easier. The Doctor puts a heavy hand on her shoulder, snapping her out of the vision.</p><p>“It’s nothing.” She blinks a few times, shaking her head.</p><p>“It wasn’t nothing, Alice.” Jasper says, squeezing her hand.</p><p>Alice’s eyes snap up to Carlisle, and he carefully removes his hand from her shoulder. “What did you see, honey?”</p><p>She doesn’t reply, looking down at the white queen on the floor before her gaze lifts. Carlisle picks up the chess piece and follows her eyes, landing on Rosalie who is staring right back at Alice.</p><p>Rosalie does <em>not</em> like being stared at. Her eyes narrow dangerously, “Spit it out, Alice.”</p><p>“Rose.” Esme scolds, not looking away from Alice.</p><p>Carlisle kneels in front of his frozen daughter, takes her hand which lays on her lap. “Alice, can you-”</p><p>He’s cut off by the sound of his phone from his office. He sighs, “I’ll be back soon.”</p><p>“We’ll handle it.” Jasper reassures him, letting Carlisle leave Alice with them.</p><p>He flies to the office, picks up the phone and is about to answer when Alice appears in the doorway. He pauses, the phone half-way to his ear. She shakes her head again, moves into the room and closes the door behind her.</p><p>It’s something to do with the call.</p><p>“This is Doctor Cullen, please could you give me one moment.” He says into the device before lowering it, “Alice?”</p><p>“She’s young.” She whispers, her fingers lifting to touch her lips. The white queen is in her palm. “She was…”</p><p><em>“Doctor Cullen?”</em> The nurse at the end of the line asks.</p><p>Carlisle waits, prompting Alice on with a nod of his head.</p><p>“She’s going to remind you of Rosalie.”</p><p>Ah.</p><p>Carlisle starts to feel his skin crawl and his insides clench up. He’s dealt with a handful of rape victims over his many years of practise, and his blonde daughter is always in the front of his mind when he deals with such cases, but he’s never been <em>reminded</em> of her through the patient.</p><p>
  <em>“Doctor, are you there?”</em>
</p><p>“Thank you for telling me, Alice.” He says lowly before putting the phone to his ear. He tries to lift his tone, “I’m here, thanks for waiting. What’s the situation?”</p><hr/><p>“Semi-conscious, hypothermic and several assault injuries.” The nurse tells Carlisle, walking him to the ward where the young woman was. “GHB was found in her blood test. She refused a pelvic examination, even from the female EMT who brough her in.”</p><p>“What treatment has she received?” He asks, trying to stay in the here and now, but he’s already struggling. Alice’s warning keeps going around his head.</p><p>“200ml warm saline, oral painkillers and fluids.” The nurse says, passing him another piece of paperwork. Carlisle scans the whole page in a matter of seconds. “The paramedics think she was laying in the street for at least two hours before someone found her.”</p><p>He chews his lip. Rosalie had at best an hour left when he found her on the street in Rochester, and he couldn’t save her. He hopes this girl isn’t too far gone.</p><p>“Thank you.” Carlisle says once they stop outside a cubicle. “I’ll take it from here.”</p><p>He pulls the curtain aside and enters the cubicle, taking in the scene. The patient’s on the bed, her eyes closed and a thick blanket pulled up to her chin. She’s blonde, as blonde as Rosalie. Her golden locks are a tangled mess across the pillow, and some strands are feathered against her cheek.</p><p>He takes a deep breath- as if it’ll help- before speaking. “Mia?”</p><p>One eye cracks open, the other one glued shut with bruises and swelling. Carlisle can’t help but notice that her eyes are violet, it’s like he’s back on that Rochester street in 1933.</p><p>“Hello, Mia, my name’s Carlisle.” He says, keeping his voice low and soft. “Do you know where you are?”</p><p>She closes her eye again, licking her chapped and bloody lips before whispering. “The hospital.”</p><p>“That’s right.” He says encouragingly, glad to see she isn’t concussed. “Do you know who I am?”</p><p>She looks at him again, trying to lift her head off the pillow but with the date rape drug still in her system, she’s unsuccessful.</p><p>“I’m a Doctor.” He tells her before taking a small step towards her. “I’m here to look after you, but in order to do that, I need to examine you.”</p><p>Her reaction is instant. She scrambles back into the railing of her bed, pulling the blanket up to her nose. He can see her whole body shaking.</p><p>“I’m not going to hurt you.” He promises, standing on the spot and lifting his hands in surrender, “I just want to help you.”</p><p>She clenches her eyes shut, tears building on her lashes. “I just want to go home.”</p><p>“I know you do.” He says gently, “I don’t want to keep you here any longer than necessary, but I also want to make sure that all of your injuries are taken care of.”</p><p>“No,” she whispers, pulling further back.</p><p>“Mia,” he pulls a risky move, “what happened to you has also happened to my daughter.”</p><p>She peeps an eye open whilst keeping a white-knuckle grip on her blanket.</p><p>“Trust me when I say I want to help you.”</p><p>He said the same thing to Rosalie when he turned her.</p><p>The blanket lowers an inch, “Do I have to tell the police?”</p><p>“Not if you don’t want to.” He says, even though he wishes that every rapist would get thrown behind bars. “I’m not going to make you do anything that you don’t want to do.”</p><p>He slips his stethoscope off his shoulders and shows it to her, “Is it alright if I take a quick listen to your heart and lungs?”</p><p>She watches him for a few seconds, he can see her sluggish brain trying to register his request. Eventually, she nods, lowering the blanket to her neck.</p><p>“Thank you.” He says with a smile, moving to her bedside. He puts the earpieces in and holds up the resonator, “It might be a bit cold.”</p><p>She nods again, giving him permission to lift the blanket and expertly place the resonator onto her chest without fumbling around at all. He’s been using the stethoscope since the mid-1800s, so it’s become second nature to him.</p><p>Mia shudders from the cold disk, turning her head away. Carlisle hums, making a mental note that her heart is beating strongly, even though he could’ve known that just from being in the same room as her.</p><p>“I need to move it a little lower to listen to your lungs.” He warns before moving lower, beneath her breasts, to listen to her breathing. She’s wearing a tight, silky dress, most likely partying in Port Angeles before the crime was committed. “Take a few deep breaths for me.”</p><p>She obeys, even though she winces on every exhale. Bruised ribs, no doubt. At least they aren’t broken.</p><p>“Why can’t I move?” Mia asks when Carlisle returns his stethoscope to around his neck once more.</p><p>“You were drugged with something called gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid.” He explains, writing on the patient form clipped to the side of her bed. “More commonly known as a date rape drug. It’s a central nervous system depressant.”</p><p>“I don’t remember.” She says, looking up at him pleadingly, “I don’t <em>do</em> drugs.”</p><p>“It can induce amnesia.” He says, feeling his frozen heart ache for this girl. She’s only seventeen; a year younger than Rosalie was. “Generally, it’s mixed into alcoholic drinks to get rid of the taste. Were you drinking tonight?”</p><p>She looks away, “No.”</p><p>“I’m not going to call the cops on you.” He promises to stop her from closing off. If he wants to help her, she needs to be open with him. “But I do need to ask you some questions about what happened a few hours ago.”</p><p>Mia doesn’t meet his gaze, “What’s there to say? I got drunk, and he didn’t know when to stop.”</p><p>A frown falls on Carlisle’s face, and it’s not just from the rapist’s lack of knowledge regarding consent or Mia’s belief that being drunk makes the crime against her justifiable. “He, <em>who</em>?”</p><p>She doesn’t answer, just stares at the floor. Carlisle puts the clipboard down, “Did you know him?”</p><p>She nods.</p><p>“A friend?” He tries to think of the best way to put this considering her age. “Someone you’ve been seeing?”</p><p>“My boyfriend.” She finally admits, “We’ve been on-and-off for two years. He isn’t usually this rough, I think he was stressed.”</p><p>“Mia,” Carlisle sighs, remembering how Rosalie tried to defend Royce’s actions for a year after she was turned. “Sex without consent is rape. It doesn’t matter what your boyfriend is going through, it’s still rape.”</p><p>She shakes her head, closing her eyes as tears start to spill down her cheeks, “He loves me.”</p><p>Those three words. In the two days it took for Rosalie to turn, the amount of times she said those words was uncountable.</p><p>Royce raped Rosalie that night because he wanted to show off to all his friends. He wanted to show them what he would be getting once he married the beautiful girl from Rochester. It was a vile act, but Carlisle has always believed that it wasn’t pre-meditated. Rosalie wasn’t even meant to see him that night.</p><p>Mia’s experience is different. The use of GHB is a clear sign that her boyfriend intended for this to happen. He went out of his way to take advantage of her.</p><p>“How old’s your boyfriend, Mia?”</p><p>She keeps her eyes closed, “Twenty-three.”</p><p>His frown deepens. In Rosalie’s time, it was acceptable for young women to marry men who were well into their twenties. It’s different now. It’s illegal for minors to sleep with adults, no matter the consent. Mia’s obviously been taken advantage of for a long time.</p><p>Two years. That means a fifteen-year-old girl was dating a twenty-one-year-old. Where are her parents?</p><p>“Here,” he passes her a tissue sympathetically, “my daughter thought her fiancé loved her.”</p><p>Mia moves onto her back and looks at him, “Even afterwards, she swore that he loved her.”</p><p>“When did she stop loving him?”</p><p>He smiles bitterly, “When she realised that she deserved so much more than him.”</p><hr/><p>Carlisle doesn’t listen to music when he drives home. He usually puts on a classical CD or listen to a radio talk show, but now he just enjoys the silence.</p><p>Mia finally consented to a physical exam, and whilst Carlisle was as gentle as possible- even having a female nurse in the room to hold the girl’s hand- her cries of pain reminded him so much of Rosalie the night he found her. He had to take a moment outside afterwards.</p><p>The girl will be okay, hopefully. Under Carlisle’s advice, she didn’t call her boyfriend to discharge her. She has an older sister who offered to collect her in the morning. Carlisle wanted her to be observed overnight, just in case she changes her mind about reporting the crime to the police. Carlisle knows Charlie will believe her.</p><p>He parks up in the garage, leaving his bag in the car should he be making another call in the last three hours of his shift.</p><p>Esme’s waiting at the door for him, a sad look on her face. Before he can ask, she explains. “Alice told us.”</p><p>His face falls. Esme holds out her arms for him, and he walks into her embrace. Everything hits him all at once, and his knees weaken.</p><p>“I’ve got you.” Esme whispers, running a hand up and down his back. “It’s alright, my love, I’ve got you.”</p><p>There’s a lump in his throat. Never, in his entire career, has a patient affected him this much. Not even Edward or Esme. He didn’t even feel this horrible when he found Rosalie, and that was by far one of the worst night’s of his life.</p><p>“She’s seventeen, Esme.” He murmurs into her shoulder, “She’s barely a child.”</p><p>“I know, it’s horrible.” She doesn’t know, as much as Carlisle appreciates her trying to understand.</p><p>Only one person in this household understands.</p><p>Carlisle straightens, “Rose?”</p><p>“She didn’t like being out of the loop.” Esme says, her hands resting against his chest, “Emmett told her; she’s upstairs.”</p><p>He pulls her forwards, presses a kiss to her forehead before flying up the stairs, managing to avoid his other three children who are watching him like hawks.</p><p>He knocks on her bedroom door, “Rose?”</p><p>There’s no answer, but he isn’t expecting one. Rosalie is never one to publicly verse her emotions. Years of being taught to be seen and not heard will do that to you.</p><p>Carlisle slips inside her room and closes the door behind him. Rosalie’s sat on the window bench, curled up in one corner. She’s facing the window, leaning her head against it. A pro of being breathless is that you can stare out into the rain without the glass fogging up.</p><p>“Rosalie, sweetheart,” Carlisle walks towards her, “May I join you?”</p><p>She hardly looks at him as she nods. Carlisle sits opposite her, mirroring her position with one foot on the seat, hugging his knee. He watches the rain for a few minutes before speaking, “Will talking help?”</p><p>She snorts in a somewhat lady-like way, “Has talking <em>ever</em> helped?” She sighs loudly, “Besides, I think this has affected <em>you</em> more than it’s affected me.”</p><p>“Well,” he props his elbow on the window ledge, “I’d rather talk about this then sit in silence, if that’s alright with you?”</p><p>Rosalie looks away from the rain to pick some of the pink polish from her thumbnail, “How old was she?”</p><p>“Seventeen.” He replies, watching her broken expression shatter even more. “She was mature for her age though.”</p><p>She scoffs, “Anybody who’s raped tends to mature faster.”</p><p>“I agree.”</p><p>She moves onto her next finger, scraping off the perfect French manicure. “Did she know him?”</p><p>He sees what she’s trying to do. She’s looking for the link between herself and Mia, or at least the link that he saw. “Her boyfriend.”</p><p>Rosalie looks up, an eyebrow raised. “<em>Just</em> a boyfriend?”</p><p>“Boyfriend of two years.” He says, remembering that she and Royce only dated for a few months before he proposed to her.</p><p>“That should’ve been a red flag.” She mutters, “If they want to date you, but not marry you, then they only want one thing, especially when it’s an adult dating a child.”</p><p>“She couldn’t have known, Rose.” Carlisle sighs, “She didn’t even want to press charges.”</p><p>“What?” Rosalie snaps, her eyes widening, “So, that beast is still out there? Roaming the streets and luring on another victim? How irresponsible of her.”</p><p>Carlisle frowns, “Rose, Edward offered to kill Royce for you, and you said no. You waited two years until you killed him. I wouldn’t try to shame this girl for letting him get away with it. She’s still in shock.”</p><p>She looks away sharply, realising her mistake. “I wish girls these days weren’t as stupid as I used to be.”</p><p>“Well, I wished boys these days weren’t as stupid as they used to be.” He says, twisting her point, “What have I always told you, Rosalie? Who’s to blame for rape?”</p><p>She exhales angrily through her teeth, “The rapist.”</p><p>“Exactly.” It took a long time to drill that into Rosalie’s head.</p><p>Apparently, once she got engaged, her mother manipulated her into the belief that a woman’s pleasure didn’t matter, and sex occurred whenever the man wanted sex. Emmett and Rosalie weren’t intimate until after they got married for the first time, and even then, Emmett often visited Carlisle’s office, asking why Rose never enjoyed sex.</p><p>He had to explain to the newborn that Rosalie was raised in a society where women didn’t participate in sex. There were simply used like toys and then thrown away. Emmett eventually introduced a rule into their relationship that he wouldn’t finish until Rosalie orgasmed. That worked somewhat, but it meant their nights of intimacy usually lasted a couple days because Rosalie didn’t even know how to feel pleasured.</p><p>Carlisle hopes that one day Mia will find someone who she can <em>enjoy</em> having sex with, not feel obliged or afraid to.</p><p>“I guess I got lucky.” Rosalie says, breaking the silence. “I’ve had over a hundred years to find happiness after what happened to me. Someday, I won’t even remember what Royce did to me. This girl will never forget because she’s mortal.” She looks at him, “Did you consider changing her?”</p><p>“No.” He shakes his head, “She was too alive to die.”</p><p>Rosalie hums, looking out into the rain once more. “Too alive to die but too dead to live.”</p><p>If he hadn’t changed Rose that night, Carlisle doubts she would’ve ever gotten over the trauma of being gang-raped, but Mia isn’t Rosalie. She isn’t vain and hooked on her looks. She doesn’t want to be the centre of attention, she just wants to be loved.</p><p>“She’ll get there.” Carlisle says. “You managed to find a purpose to life. I’m sure she will too.”</p>
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